SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Dear Lord..
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.