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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
this makes me so uncomfortable
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.