let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
This could be us but you eatin’
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.