馃槀馃槀
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馃幎 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 馃幎
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
It鈥檚 easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver鈥檚 license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
I鈥檓 not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That鈥檚 because it鈥檚 me in all of them.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn鈥檛 do them at night…
ME: I didn鈥檛!
15yo: when it鈥檚 dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you鈥檙e tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I鈥檓 having trouble not becoming my grandmother.