Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
More like Kate Missington.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.