Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
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In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…