Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
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I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
lol
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?