I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
“you changed” bro i was 15
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
i love modern commerce
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.