*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Breaking news:
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
What if the weather talks about us?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse