Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now