If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Dance like you’re not the father
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you