me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
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Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?