Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
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*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Proctology is located in A55
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me