Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
#dalle2
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.