Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.