FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
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Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.