Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.