riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.