Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
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when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.