*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
You Might Also Like
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
The glory of fall.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997