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Anyone really
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
New Tinder profile.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please