Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Think I pulled my liver
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.