Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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tis the season
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.