My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.