There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
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Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.