Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.