Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
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In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
The news
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.