him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”