Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
“What?”
– Jude
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.