A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy