If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
*cough*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.