Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.