Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
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You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.