Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’