Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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I really do love this time of year โ the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, โWe can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.โ
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
*secretly fills your birthday piรฑata with hornets*
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
You donโt wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you donโt wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase โwhat in tarnationโ so now I know what itโs like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like โtodayโs the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they dieโ
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.