Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
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Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
everyone has that one prude friend
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.