Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Practicing safe sax
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I hope this email finds you in a well
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra