Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
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The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck