Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I can fix him.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I don’t know what to do
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No