Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
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This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.