I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Life hack
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…