My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
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According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.