God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt