Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Pee pressure > peer pressure
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If a snake ate a cake
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
don’t we all
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.