Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-