My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
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*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: