“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
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I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
quarantine day 3
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
According to math, I’m broke
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.