My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”