At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?