You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings